if You are willing...

God,
I'm just not in a happy mood right now mainly because of several people who only care about their own pleasure, disregarding the consequences it has on me. You know how some people say that they feel invisible? I feel like I'm seen as a black hole -- that people avoid me because when they look at me, they don't see me, but they think that if they go where I am the invisible force they do not see will destroy them. They think it won't hurt me to throw anything at me because I am a whirling mass of nothingness; therefore, they've done nothing wrong when they tell me things that would crush me if I were something. They think I deserve those things because I'm not normal, and they think being abnormal is a crime. And that if I ever throw anything at them, I prove my true colors.

I feel ugly -- mainly because I think that people see me as undesirable -- that these people think I am stupid for expecting to be treated the way they would treat themselves.

People tell me: "It's not about you -- stop whining!" Then they start laying out their evidence that it isn't about me by whining about their own predicaments. They make it sound as if it's not about me because it's about the survival of the fittest, and since I'm not the fittest, I've sinned more than they have and do not deserve to survive.

What this all comes down to is selfishness. Everyone is for himself/herself. No one will deny himself for another. People will only help someone else if it does not involve a loss on their part. People call helping others an "eternal investment." In other words, they help others because they expect to be repayed with interest in eternity. If someone thought they would not make a "profit" overall by making someone else happy, he/she would not care that that person was miserable due to his/her neglect.

32"If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.
33"If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same.
34"If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount.
35"But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return."
--Luke 6:32-35

This is the way the world is: dark. And no one cares to light it up except for You. Anyone who tries to help You light it up does it for their own benefit -- to make themselves look right. People don't care if everyone else is wrong as long as they are seen to be right.

33"Who will bring a charge against God's elect? God is the one who justifies;
34who is the one who condemns? "
-- Romans 833-34

I have sinned against You, and You only. I am a sinner, yes; but I do not owe those who accuse me an apology because by accusing me, they accuse themselves.

12"Do you see a man wise in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him. "
-- Proverbs 26:12
Yes, I am foolish; yes, I am wrong. But that by no means indicates that those who accuse me are right or wise. They are just as foolish and wrong as I am. They try to help me with my problems and claim to be qualified to do so because they have none of their own. That makes them liars.

There is none who understands, none who seek God. We are all messed-up jerks.

God, if You are willing, You can make me clean.

God, if You are willing, You can make us clean.

Food and Back Aches

Food doesn't taste good anymore.

Please pray for me -- I don't know if anyone will see this, but please pray.

I never thought that it would be hard for me to eat or that hunger would be as rare as it is now. It never happened before. Before this summer, I was always hungry. If I didn't eat every few hours, I would not be fun to be around. However, now I have to force myself to eat.

My best theory is that the new antidepressant I started taking this summer is suppressing my appetite; however, that doesn't really make sense to me because I stopped being hungry several days before I even knew I was going to start taking that medicine.

But I know I'm not doing this on purpose: I am simply not hungry. It was like someone flipped a switch in my brain because one day I woke up and wasn't hungry. And it's not like I'm eating less and less each day -- I started out eating about the same amount that I eat now.

The odd thing is that food doesn't taste good. Before, I would eat even when I wasn't hungry. Why? Because I liked food -- I enjoyed eating. Now it's more like a chore. But it's not as bad as it could be -- I'm always thirsty -- I drink a lot of fluids. That's why I started drinking fluids with calories (like orange juice --o.j. doesn't last long in my house) when I started noticing my clothes fitting differently. And I like foods that are moist and sweet -- like chocolate ice cream, if that counts. The more moist food is the better it tastes; of course, that means that basically all meat is not palatable.

I wouldn't be so worried about all this (I'm not underweight yet, and my body fat percentage is not too low yet either) if not for all the back aches. I've never had back aches before -- at least not like this -- every day.

And that brings me to today: I actually woke up on the right side of the bed this morning -- I was in a good mood and it helped that I slept somewhat soundly (I've been having trouble sleeping -- another new problem that showed up this summer). I was in such a good mood that I took a walk with my dogs. (Absolutely gorgeous day -- cloudless, fall-blue sky -- found a huge and dangerous looking turtle with moss growing on its back.) By the time I returned, my entire back as well as some of my head were hurting; thus, I went to my room and took off my bra (I know that doesn't seem exactly logical, but I welcome any relief from back aches such as relieving the pressure a bra puts on my back -- not much relief, but some). So as I was standing naked in my bathroom (one wall of which is covered by mirrors), I saw my back in the mirror, and I could see my spine -- not the first time I'd noticed that, but what caught my attention today was that it looked like I might have scoliosis. Of course, I thought that might be why I was having all the back aches, but I couldn't get a good look to see if my spine were curved the way it had appeared to be. I was telling myself not to freak out as I was retrieving a hand-held mirror so that I could look at my back though the two mirrors. I held up the mirror, and my spine looked straight enough, but I still had my doubts, so I arched my back so that I could see better: My spine was definitely straight -- that knowledge brought much relief -- but when I arched my back, all the ribs on my back were sticking out clearly. Needless to say, that was slightly appalling.

So my weight and body fat percentage are ok for now, but I'm worried that all the back aches are a warning sign that I'm not getting enough nutrients. I'm worried that my muscles are taking the calcium from my bones. And I feel weak -- more weak than usual. The little exercise that I did before I don't do anymore. And most antidepressants cause "dizziness" -- being faint when standing up and all that, but it's gotten much worse. I have to stand up slowly -- one time I stood up and lost sight ("blacked out" but didn't faint). I can't ride one roller coaster without blacking out a lot (which stinks).

So please pray for me because I just described a physical problem which is nothing compared to my spiritual/emotional problems.

to Jesus, Who is saving us:

God, i'm sorry.

thank You for exercise. i know that You desire only my good -- may i desire whatever that is as well. may i not twist Your word for any reason. may i tell only the truth. heal my heart, please, God. take away my depression. may i be able to function. at a higher level. may all this pain not be necessary to bring me to You -- if that is the reason for it. 

may we live as best we can considering the circumstances. but may we not be striving for something we can never have. may we be content in our worth yet not complacent. may we not feel or be guilty. save us.

heal G and may she not be in pain. may Your will be done about the house and Romania and D's future. may C find a climbing partner. may L and his sister grow up and leave home. may i run a marathon. may J not be stressed out. please make me be able to concentrate well.