Food and Back Aches

Food doesn't taste good anymore.

Please pray for me -- I don't know if anyone will see this, but please pray.

I never thought that it would be hard for me to eat or that hunger would be as rare as it is now. It never happened before. Before this summer, I was always hungry. If I didn't eat every few hours, I would not be fun to be around. However, now I have to force myself to eat.

My best theory is that the new antidepressant I started taking this summer is suppressing my appetite; however, that doesn't really make sense to me because I stopped being hungry several days before I even knew I was going to start taking that medicine.

But I know I'm not doing this on purpose: I am simply not hungry. It was like someone flipped a switch in my brain because one day I woke up and wasn't hungry. And it's not like I'm eating less and less each day -- I started out eating about the same amount that I eat now.

The odd thing is that food doesn't taste good. Before, I would eat even when I wasn't hungry. Why? Because I liked food -- I enjoyed eating. Now it's more like a chore. But it's not as bad as it could be -- I'm always thirsty -- I drink a lot of fluids. That's why I started drinking fluids with calories (like orange juice --o.j. doesn't last long in my house) when I started noticing my clothes fitting differently. And I like foods that are moist and sweet -- like chocolate ice cream, if that counts. The more moist food is the better it tastes; of course, that means that basically all meat is not palatable.

I wouldn't be so worried about all this (I'm not underweight yet, and my body fat percentage is not too low yet either) if not for all the back aches. I've never had back aches before -- at least not like this -- every day.

And that brings me to today: I actually woke up on the right side of the bed this morning -- I was in a good mood and it helped that I slept somewhat soundly (I've been having trouble sleeping -- another new problem that showed up this summer). I was in such a good mood that I took a walk with my dogs. (Absolutely gorgeous day -- cloudless, fall-blue sky -- found a huge and dangerous looking turtle with moss growing on its back.) By the time I returned, my entire back as well as some of my head were hurting; thus, I went to my room and took off my bra (I know that doesn't seem exactly logical, but I welcome any relief from back aches such as relieving the pressure a bra puts on my back -- not much relief, but some). So as I was standing naked in my bathroom (one wall of which is covered by mirrors), I saw my back in the mirror, and I could see my spine -- not the first time I'd noticed that, but what caught my attention today was that it looked like I might have scoliosis. Of course, I thought that might be why I was having all the back aches, but I couldn't get a good look to see if my spine were curved the way it had appeared to be. I was telling myself not to freak out as I was retrieving a hand-held mirror so that I could look at my back though the two mirrors. I held up the mirror, and my spine looked straight enough, but I still had my doubts, so I arched my back so that I could see better: My spine was definitely straight -- that knowledge brought much relief -- but when I arched my back, all the ribs on my back were sticking out clearly. Needless to say, that was slightly appalling.

So my weight and body fat percentage are ok for now, but I'm worried that all the back aches are a warning sign that I'm not getting enough nutrients. I'm worried that my muscles are taking the calcium from my bones. And I feel weak -- more weak than usual. The little exercise that I did before I don't do anymore. And most antidepressants cause "dizziness" -- being faint when standing up and all that, but it's gotten much worse. I have to stand up slowly -- one time I stood up and lost sight ("blacked out" but didn't faint). I can't ride one roller coaster without blacking out a lot (which stinks).

So please pray for me because I just described a physical problem which is nothing compared to my spiritual/emotional problems.

to Jesus, Who is saving us:

God, i'm sorry.

thank You for exercise. i know that You desire only my good -- may i desire whatever that is as well. may i not twist Your word for any reason. may i tell only the truth. heal my heart, please, God. take away my depression. may i be able to function. at a higher level. may all this pain not be necessary to bring me to You -- if that is the reason for it. 

may we live as best we can considering the circumstances. but may we not be striving for something we can never have. may we be content in our worth yet not complacent. may we not feel or be guilty. save us.

heal G and may she not be in pain. may Your will be done about the house and Romania and D's future. may C find a climbing partner. may L and his sister grow up and leave home. may i run a marathon. may J not be stressed out. please make me be able to concentrate well.

to Jesus, Who values this life:

well, the breakdown hasn't come yet -- perhaps the breakdown level will just subside like the times when i feel myself getting sick but my body fights it off before it can make me miserable. except in this case i am already miserable. God, i know You can, but i don't think You will. why am i so into myself? it's not about me -- i don't matter -- why should i care? You don't care. nobody else cares -- why do i care? because we are all in our own little worlds. and i am selfish. but i don't matter.

why do i spit out lies? because no one can answer the real questions. we have all tried since we have existed to answer the real questions, and we are left with lies.

i mean, You can answer them, but not in any human language or understanding -- or at least if You can answer them that way, You don't give us the answers.

a young man in sunday school said that he wouldn't care if he were paralyzed because this life doesn't matter. this life doesn't matter? then why are we here? because we don't matter? evidently we do matter and this life does matter because it is considered a crime to cut someone's life here short and because no one will tell me it is ok for me to cut my life short. not even You.