to Jesus, Who is saving us:

God, i'm sorry.

thank You for exercise. i know that You desire only my good -- may i desire whatever that is as well. may i not twist Your word for any reason. may i tell only the truth. heal my heart, please, God. take away my depression. may i be able to function. at a higher level. may all this pain not be necessary to bring me to You -- if that is the reason for it. 

may we live as best we can considering the circumstances. but may we not be striving for something we can never have. may we be content in our worth yet not complacent. may we not feel or be guilty. save us.

heal G and may she not be in pain. may Your will be done about the house and Romania and D's future. may C find a climbing partner. may L and his sister grow up and leave home. may i run a marathon. may J not be stressed out. please make me be able to concentrate well.

to Jesus, Who values this life:

well, the breakdown hasn't come yet -- perhaps the breakdown level will just subside like the times when i feel myself getting sick but my body fights it off before it can make me miserable. except in this case i am already miserable. God, i know You can, but i don't think You will. why am i so into myself? it's not about me -- i don't matter -- why should i care? You don't care. nobody else cares -- why do i care? because we are all in our own little worlds. and i am selfish. but i don't matter.

why do i spit out lies? because no one can answer the real questions. we have all tried since we have existed to answer the real questions, and we are left with lies.

i mean, You can answer them, but not in any human language or understanding -- or at least if You can answer them that way, You don't give us the answers.

a young man in sunday school said that he wouldn't care if he were paralyzed because this life doesn't matter. this life doesn't matter? then why are we here? because we don't matter? evidently we do matter and this life does matter because it is considered a crime to cut someone's life here short and because no one will tell me it is ok for me to cut my life short. not even You.

to Jesus Who can fix the breakage:

o, God, i can feel the breakdown coming: maybe not today, perhaps not even this year, but sometime there will be a breakdown. that is the direction i am heading. i need You to change my direction because i don't know how. so far You haven't turned me in the right direction; therefore, i am beginning to lose my trust in You. i feel empty. and lazy. and therefore bad. God, You are my only hope, but i don't have very much hope left. i am going to go try to cry now, as i do frequently, but i know that whether i cry or not, it won't make any difference: i am still heading toward a breakdown.